A Picture of Motherhood

In my experience, most of early motherhood is shrouded in a cloud of blurry brain fog oblivion. The frazzled chaos is understood, accepted—for a time. I believe it is not well documented in writing or creative because who can write or create in such a state?

But here I am 2+ months postpartum. Things are a little clearer, clear enough that I can see the continued chaos for what it really is.

There was a moment today I could almost see from the outside looking in, that hit me like a brick wall—it was such a mother-moment. In this moment I was sitting at our makeshift desk (read: camp table, because we can’t find the hardware of my actual desk from the move). I was simultaneously breastfeeding, on hold multiple times with Service Canada (attempting to sort out a few things) and trying to nourish/hydrate/caffeinate myself. Strewn in front of me were many open internet tabs, my phone, ID cards, Service Canada mail with notes scratched all over them, government phone numbers jotted down from calls, a spit cloth, nursing pad, soother, going-cold coffee, water and home-made lactation ball snack turned meal.

Motherhood right now means some days I might feel motivated to prepare a home cooked meal, make freezer snacks, do laundry, catch up on admin, clean the house or go for a walk (pick one or two). But other days I’m in bed till noon resting and breastfeeding on rotation, crying on the toilet, going to therapy, canceling plans or leaving Fern with Dan while I go on a walk by myself to get some air.

I’ve learned all are allowed and all are necessary. Because I said so (that line one of the perks of being a mother), not because the internet or my care provider or social media or my mom or my therapist told me so, but because those responses are natural and what feels right for me in those moments.

So cheers to all the mom’s out there that make this all look feasible, giving me hope that it is possible to thrive in this season—I’m just not there yet. Raising my now stone-cold-coffee to you all.